i love you, please don’t hurt me
“I’m not going to lie about this: Yes, I still miss you. Yes, I still sometimes cry myself to sleep because of you. Yes, I still see your face in a crowded room. Yes, I still drink sometimes to forget your fucking green eyes and the way they used to look at me. But no, I don’t want you to come back. You ruined me.”
— real talk.
(via written-on-polaroids)
People always ask if your trauma changed you but I was young, I don’t know who I was before my trauma. I don’t know who I would’ve been without it and I never will know.
comic about how I’ve been feeling recently
Oh look, it’s how I’ve felt for my entire life.
Just in case you don’t know, this is Depression.
Things I Didn’t Know Were Symptoms of C-PTSD
- Getting overwhelmed in crowds
- Getting upset or angry at a loud alarm
- Ordinary nightmares (that have nothing to do with the circumstances, just stupid nightmares much more often than the average person)
- Getting sharp pains in your back/neck/collarbones that make it hard to breathe (due to hypervigilance/constant high anxiety)
- Learning that “high anxiety” does not mean “generalized anxiety” like other people have with panic attacks and not feeling that they can accomplish thing. PTSD anxiety just means this frenetic energy that makes you want to talk/think/do things (even as an introvert) to avoid stopping.
- Feeling constantly bored like you have to chase after something, even if you’re just at home: I spend hours on tumblr, pinterest, watching tv, reading books, making art, never just laying there alone…because if you stop…the darkness is there
- Thinking up stories before bed. This is a symptom of high anxiety because you’re trying to calm down and fall asleep in a “safe world” where people are looking out for you and caring for you.
- Trouble falling asleep (which is distinct from insomnia) because turning off electronics etc. doesn’t help since your heartrate/fight or flight response is engaged
- Periods of racing heart (mine has gotten to 120bpm for five hours) that make you feel like you’re waiting for something to happen
- Exaggerated startle response. When I was a kid I used to hide behind corners to surprise my sisters. Two years ago my friend hid under my desk to scare me. I literally screamed, fell out of the chair, and started crying. She was laughing because she thought the joke went well, and then got concerned because I kept crying.
- Purposefully “tanking” a bad day with sad music/tv/movies/books because it “was already ruined anyway”
